As much as I hate that my newest update has to be a shitty diary entry im losing my shit and need to ramble

My mom announced that shes pregnant today and Im terrifed
Its not about just having another sibling, normally I wouldnt care

But to me -Maybe im just being selfish- having another child right now would be terrible.
Im scared, im scared of what will happen to us im scared of what will happen to the baby
Childern need so much time and emotion and money. And weve been doing so well recently another child could ruin everything

What if I hurt the baby? What if something bad happens to it? Im scared that even writing this something could happen
My mother raised me, I watched her raise my brother, im scared for that kid im scared for its future
Maybe she will change? I dont know

I feel part of this is my fault. Shes talked to me about how sometimes she wishes she had another kid. How "un-girly" I am, how I need to be more a woman
Maybe if I was more feminine this wouldnt be happening, maybe if I was a different person this wouldnt be happening
I feel like maybe a part of this is like a another chance to her, to fix her mistakes

She doesnt seem to even realize how bad all this could go
Their not even born yet and im already a complete mess

This was my worst fear, I was so scared of this happening

Maybe im just being selfish and immature